(MT) The tiny island nation of Singapore was awarded with the ISO 9002 certification today. A spokesperson for the ministry of quality, or affectionally known as the ministry of Kiasu, said "We are the first country in the world to be awarded with this honour and distinction. I think our citizens can be very proud of our achievement." A process to make Singapore a de facto world standard and an internet RFC has been initiated. In a related story, a report from the Institute of Unexplained Phenomenon in Nashua, New Hampshire, has rated Singapore number one in promoting conformity amongst its citizens.
(MT) The ministry of communication has decided to censor all internet traffic coming into in to Singapore. Internet "snoopers" will be placed at "strategic" location in the IT2000 communication infrastructure to snoop on all incoming data packets. It is announced after a recent fiasco where an obnoxious message from Stevens Institute of Technology in Hoboken NJ caused an uproar in the newsgroup soc.culture.singapore. A spokesperson said "All internet user in Singapore will have to pay 0.01 cents/MB in order for the board of censor to review the messages. All violators who bypass this mechanism will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law." The current proposed penalty is that all violators will be required to read and recite all headlines in the Straits Times.
(PA) NTU mechanicolfactory faculty announced that their researchers has developed a durian detector that can detect traces of durian even if it was enclosed by equivalent of 20 Saran wraps. "This will help us track down the violators who bring the durians in to our MRT system." Official estimate that more than 20 durians are smuggled in the MRT per day. "We want to be able to prosecute these violators. They pose a threat to this orderly Singaporean society." Once it has proved its success, the detectors will be sold exclusive by NTUC international. The durian lovers society of Singapore decline to comment to avoid risk of bankruptcy.
(MT) After the string of hawker center closing such Newton Circus, Satay Club, Punggol, Cuppage Center and East Coast Park, the government has reveal its strategy to eliminate all non-aircon eating places. The minister of environment stated "All open-air food centres will be shut down because they represent a danger to Singapore's clean image." When asked about the fast disappearance of cheap good quality food, the response was "With our salary, my friends and I don't care to eat at those unsanitary places lah."
(MT) Starting Sunday, all Singapore citizen and PR will be injected with a permanent "invisible" microchip called the "Raffles IC". The Raffles IC is actually a hi-tech biological computer. A spokesman said "Singapore is the first country to implement this scheme. I am sure the rest of the world will soon follow after seeing the benefit of the Raffles IC. Over the years, people have been complaining that they can easily get lost in Singapore. Now with this scheme, there is no reason to be lost. We WILL always know where you are." Other benefits were mentioned such as auto deduction of fine at violator's finger tips and electronic monitoring of litter bugs and smokers. All visitors to Singapore will be injected by request only.
(MT) The words "Asian Value" has been incorporated in to the twentieth edition of the Webster Collegiate Dictionary. It is printed as "An oxymoron created in the late 20th century to counter the inevitable dominance of the so-call Western decadence. Believed to have been originated in a tiny island nation called Singapore."
(PA) COE price for the closed class has hit an all-time high of 1.2 million. People have been taken out multi-generation loan just to own a piece of the Singapore road. But as the election is coming, most people expect the COE price to drop dramatically. But as the government has run out of HDB flats to upgrade(all except Potong Pasir where SDP still holding strong), the PAP has taken the initiative to upgrade all light rail system to mag-lev systems based on qui.